A week away...

I have spent a week away from this and part of me feels like it was worth it, while another part longs to write down everything.

In the past week, I felt a numerous amount of emotions and unfortunately most haven't been positive. I feel like I'm in a dark valley that is farther than I can see, wider than either horizon and it sucks. It sucks because I am normally so positive. It sucks because as much as I want to talk about it with others I don't want to and haven't talked about it. And it sucks because I want people to ask me and care enough to realize that something is wrong and yet that hasn't happened either. I don't like feeling sorry for myself and really don't like it when others feel sorry for me. I am a proud person, but as we all know even the most proud have moments where they have to fold.

I feel so far away from everyone including God. It's as if I have put a wall up, and yet deep in my heart I long for his peace and comfort. I know I can't do this on my own. I know that he will be there to listen to all of my thoughts, concerns, and dreams when others may not be available.

The loneliness of moving to a small town, where we don't know anyone, is getting to me. Yes, I spend most of my day at work, but the time away, makes me miss what we had in Texas. I want to talk with friends, plan dinners, go to Bible Study, and spend time in our home with our dogs. Instead, I run around and try to finalize things on the house, talk to my parents, try to reach friends, and try to enjoy the short hours that I get to spend with AJ.  

It was so nice to spend time with my family this weekend and just be. Not have to do a million family events, but just relax. But like all weekends, that time has ended. Again, I am alone as AJ is at a scrimmage.

Lonely....loneliness sucks...especially when it feels self inflicted. In all of this, I know I need to be sitting at the feet of God and yet in some ways I feel angry that God would have done this to us. Taken us away from all that we know to a place of unknown. When the realization that I keep having (and some how gets lost) is that he has a plan, this is his plan, for us to move here. And even when things don't seem to be going "our way" it's because he has a different plan. And sometimes it takes sitting at his feet, crying, upset at him, to realize that sometimes you have to just take a deep breath and surrender.